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I walked around the lake. Cool morning, sun hasn't quite broken through the morning haze. The water is calm, except where ducks leave a rippling V behind them. I watch people as I walk. What's your story? I create a story for each who catches my interest.I read the lines on their faces the look in their eye, the smile or scorn that they wear.what string of events put that limp in ur step? What kindness were you shown that you greet everyone you pass? Could I stop and ask these questions of a few, I think I would. But ettiquette rules. I see the calves of the man in front of me, mapped by vericose veins. I feel pity rise for this man. Then I realize these bodies are temporary. These bodies grow old and get sick and carry the signs of living more and more, year after year. I am no different from him, my children are no different from me.every living thing eventually dies.
Knowing this, do I get angry, sad, fearful? No. I get thankful for the blessings in each day. I feel a sense of appreciation at the simplest of things, like the sound of the sprinklers, the smell of graSs and trees and plants that soak up that water and thrive for their lifetime. I smile at the fact that my body still has health and agility... That I can move when I want to move, dance when I want to dance. Grateful for this life, this temporary body... I take each breath in and feel fully the miracle of this life I've been given.

traffic tickets!

Standing in line, in the dark, where some have been since midnight! All to clear some traffic tickets! This is my 3rd try! The other 2 times I didn't get in!
The process here is no court dates, just walk ins on Tues and thurs! In an area this big? Paleease! Today I got here at 5 am and i'm still worried I won't make it in! My license will be suspended or I'll reach retirement age before I get into court! Lord help me!

some cool sites

I've been browsing and searching for activities, groups and events in my area to broaden my group of friends. I found some great sites.
www.LezTown.com www.lesbiatopia.com www.meetup.com ooh and check out the true colors tour at www.truecolorstour.com this looks like great fun!
The site I thought was the most promising is the meetup one. It gives you many different types of interest groups that plan events and activities for it's members. Very cool.
Anyways, happy surfing!

found a little peace...

I have fought back tears the past few days. Today I feel hopeful. I visited my ex in laws, who have been my parents to since I was 16. The relationship is complicated, but they love me and my kids...and I love them.
Anyways, I woke this morning and listed silently all the things I am grateful for. I got up to shower and was still naming things. When I stepped under the warm flow of water...I thanked the heavens for that. My skin tingled, and I felt blessed. I focused on all I do have as opposed to focusing with anxious fear of what I don't.
It was the best way to start my day.
I took the kids to are their gramma and she expressed her gratitude. That was the only mothers day gift she wanted.
I know I am loved. I know I am appreciated. I have the strength of hope to make it thru another day.

strength?

Where is my strength the last couple days? I'm in a rough place right now... Have been for a couple months since my ex has stopped paying child support. I have kept such a positive outlook and hopeful attitude, but yesterday and today i'm holding back tears. I can't start crying, cuz I don't think i'll be able to stop. I went to a lawyer, they require a $6000 retainer... Um hello! I barely made rent, my car is behind, last week my lights were turned off and I had to overdraw my account to get em back on.see? All negativity. I don't like being in this place. I try to remind myself that this too shall pass and everything for me and the kids will be fine. Where did my well of strength go and why did I lose my grasp of it?

trying to keep smiling...

I am feeling mighty frustrated today. I really don't want to be. I want to stay positive and living in this moment, not reviewing the past or daydreaming about the future.
And yet today it has gotten the best of me. I struggle with dating... Oh wait, can't even claim that cuz I don't even know how to meet them in the first place! Ok, exaggerating a bit. I went online, as u all have read. I have had one date that way. This weekend I was in Stockton at the asparagus festival... Lots of lesbians there...who would have guessed!?! I had on my, rainbow necklace, with the L pendant(i'm very femme, so I do have to advertise a bit) but I caught no ones eye, made no knew friends. I know that I could have a man in 2 minutes... But I want no man... Thank you... I want a woman!!! I hear from many lesbians how they don't have many lesbian friends and I wonder why... I have lesbian friends, but not a lot.
Anyways, I am such a novice. I say to myself, stop looking and it will all come to u. But then I think if I sit back silently then i'm not trying to make friends or find dates.
Maybe, just maybe my age has a bit to do with my impatience. how egocentric is that?
Grr! I'm done.

Today was a gorgeous day!

This is how I felt today. And to be honest, this is how I have been feeling a lot lately. I have been through so much in my life, especially in the past 5 years... and at this point in my life I am grateful just to be my truest me. I have a wonderful life, full of loving friends and family. I see why so many people say you have to learn to love yourself and enjoy being with yourself before you can expect anyone else to. I don't have that significant other in my life... but it doesn't feel like something is missing. I realize that when I meet that person... it will just enhance the magnificence that is my life. I have problems, issues, everyday struggles like everyone else... but I know nothing and no one can change me, or ever cause me to lose myself....
I am grateful for the sun today, for the fun and time with family.

Writer's Block: Happy Friday

What are you most looking forward to this weekend?

I am looking forward to just stopping and breathing. I have been working 60 hour weeks lately and I need this weekend just to chill. I'm taking the kids to their grandparents in Lodi, gonna go to the asparagus festival... Enjoy the sun, the food, the wine... And just reenergize my tired self! Happy Friday!

the good kind of tired...

I worked a long day today... 13 hours. I reset a whole wall of sheets today and it was hard work. I was determined to get it done and I did and it looked great! Now, i'm tired and sore, but its the good kind of tired. One that is full of a sense of accomplishment.

it happened so quickly!

Oh my, am I a novice in the dating world. I find since becoming my own person late in life i'm just now learning what most learn in their early 20's... I'm quite the late bloomer.
My experiences I can count on one hand. First, I fall for a great girl, who treats me better than anyone ever has and I feel so complete with her. 7 months seems like such a short time when you realize I was with a man for 21 years, however it was a deeper, more fullfilling relationship. Part of that truth may be due to the fact that i'm a lesbian and was in denial and part was because her and I were great together... While it lasted. She had trouble feeling worthy enough to let me love her. She ran.
Next, I "got to know" someone who said from the get go that she didn't want to date, didn't want a relationship, but when she was seeing someone she only saw that person. I am the same way... So far. For 2 months I put my time and energy into this non-dating that felt like so much more. It took a lot of my energy to try to make sense of her words as opposed to her actions. She reacted to certain things as if I were her girlfriend, but if I did the same she would quickly remind me we were not together.I had to let it go, and the minute I did it felt as if a weight had been lifted.
I met someone on line and chatted with her, met her, was very nervous... But she was cool. Decided on a second date. This one wanted instant relationship. Brakes! I don't know her yet and honestly when we met there was no spark... No energy between us.
I see the process and I look at myself growing in my own self awareness of what I want and what I truly will not allow in my life. I feel a sense of satisfaction and self-love.
I'll keep my focus on my path, my life, my priorities and eventually one day, when its meant to happen i'll come across the woman who will share my path and I hers.
Its no longer the childlike dream of happily ever after, it is a much more realistic dream of a healthy, equal, and loving relationship.